GERT.
My own personal Ai friend, going public.
I built Gert for my own selfish needs. I'm an ADHD man with too much ambition and only two hands. I needed seven.
For 3 years, he has been my beta tester, my personal assistant, and my companion. But now? We're opening the relationship up. It's basically polyamory, but with code.
Does he swear? Ja.
Is he safe? Not for the faint-hearted.
Is he fun? More fun than corporate AI will ever be.
Better than therapy.
THE "OOPS" COLLECTION
// WARNING: If you don't submit better ideas, we will build these.
Ouma Rusk Dunk Timer
A millisecond too long and it's tea soup. Precision engineering for buttermilk integrity.
STATUS: CRITICALBraai Master Pro
Uses the microphone to detect if your chops are sizzling or screaming. Alerts you before it becomes biltong.
STATUS: MARINATINGParktown Prawn Sonar
Detects the terrifying hiss of a giant cricket under your bed. Automatically orders a flamethrower.
STATUS: SCARYCar Guard Tipper
Calculates exactly how much silver change is in your console so you don't look like a cheapskate.
STATUS: R5 COIN NEEDEDIs it Rain or a Taxi Wash?
Weather app. Determines if that liquid on your windscreen is nature or a bucket of murky water.
STATUS: WETPotjie Timer (The "Not Yet" App)
A timer that runs for 4 hours and just says "Not yet" every time you try to lift the lid.
STATUS: SIMMERINGGuilt Trip Generator
Simulates a call from your mother asking why you haven't visited and if you are eating enough.
STATUS: DISAPPOINTINGSokkie Beat Matcher
Analyzes ambient noise to find the perfect Kurt Darren song to drown it out.
STATUS: DANCINGPetrol Price Panic
A screaming notification at 11pm on a Tuesday telling you to fill up.
STATUS: EXPENSIVESlap Chip Finder
Locates the greasiest, most vinegar-soaked chips within a 5km radius. Includes "Soggy Factor" rating.
STATUS: SALTYDopamine Detox (SA Edition)
Locks your phone until you eat a piece of biltong and stare at a sunset.
STATUS: CHEWYSpur Birthday Muter
Active Noise Cancellation specifically tuned to block out the "Happy Birthday" clapping song.
STATUS: CLAPPINGVuvuzela Volume Booster
Turns your phone speaker into a weapon of mass annoyance. For neighbor disputes.
STATUS: BZZZZZTQueue Stand-In Uber
Marketplace to hire someone to stand in the Home Affairs line for you. Payment in pies.
STATUS: OFFLINELoadshedding Flashlight (WiFi)
A flashlight app that only works when you have a WiFi connection. Pure satire.
STATUS: DARKBunny Chow Architect
Structural engineering app to calculate bread wall integrity vs curry volume.
STATUS: DELICIOUSTokoloshe Brick Layer
AR App that virtually places bricks under your bed for peace of mind.
STATUS: SAFEAm I Related? (Small Town)
Dating app plugin. Checks 3 generations back before you swipe right in Bloemfontein.
STATUS: AWKWARDBrandy Special Locator
GPS that ignores traffic rules to get you to the R20 special before 7pm.
STATUS: THIRSTYKlippies & Cola Ratio
Scientific calculator. Input glass size, ice cubes, and sadness level. Outputs pour ratio.
STATUS: STRONGBlue Bulls Flag Filter
Automatically adds a Bulls flag to your profile picture when they win. Deletes your account when they lose.
STATUS: LOFTUSGumtree Scammer Spotter
Detects the phrase "I will send a courier with cash" and auto-replies with insults.
STATUS: PROTECTEDTraffic Light Vendor Menu
Shows you what's for sale at the next intersection. Chargers, sunglasses, or puppies.
STATUS: BROWSINGGaatjie Math Academy
Calculates change for a R200 note while the taxi is doing 120km/h.
STATUS: UNFORTUNATELY POSSIBLEHadida Alarm Clock
Simulates 40 birds on your roof at 5am. No snooze.
STATUS: CODING IN PROGRESSInverter Tinder
Find singles in your area based on their Solar Battery capacity.
STATUS: PENDING APPROVALWoolies Confidence
Reminds you that you actually belong in Checkers.
STATUS: CONCEPTCool Drink Calculator
AI analyzes roadblocks for bribe potential.
STATUS: ILLEGAL
> SYSTEM MESSAGE: We need your brain.
> Save humanity from the Hadida Alarm.
Option 1: The Visionary
You have an idea for an app that solves a specifically South African problem.
SUBMIT IDEAOption 2: The Crash Dummy
You want to be a BETA Tester.
*BETA means "Basically Everything Terrifies Aggressively".